dancebear8504 blogging at elowel.org
10-12-05 10:51
i stole this from a friends journal from a while ago.. but when i read it, it said everything i'm thinking.

"I think that there are some times in your life when everything lines up and everything makes sense...things simply are the way that they are. You have no questions and you spend no time wondering; you simply spend your time enjoying the state of content that your life is in.

There are other times in life that nothing makes sense. Every single thing in your life seems screwed up, no matter what it is...there is some kind of problem. Some of the problems may be great and some may be small, some are self-inflicted and others are simply someone else's fault. Times like this, you seem to blame other people...and rightfully so sometimes...but not all of the time. Other times you blame the world but most of the time, if you're like me, you simply blame yourself.

I just want things to begin to make sense. I want to know where I stand, to know how things are going to work out, to know what the hell is going on. It is my life isn't it? I mean what the f? Shouldn't I know what is happening or going to happen with it? I know that I am 19 and I'm not going to know everything, but a little direction and a couple answers would be nice.

I have come to the conclusion over the past 3 years of my life that the state of limbo is the worst possible state for your life to be in. This being the in-between stage, the stage of wonder and questioning. I have come to this conclusion because, no matter what the problem is, and how absolutely awful the solution to that problem might be, nothing is worse than simply not knowing. It causes more heartache than the solution could ever dream of causing. There is the back and forth wondering...and all it does is hurt. I think that it really makes you think about whats really worth it in life and makes you think about the things that really matter to you. I am not really sure that I am making any sense at all, but I know what I am talking about and I simply had to get it out."

i am happy right now, but, deep inside.. i want answers. specifically to one thing. i think about it, and i just get so frustrated with emotion i don't know what to do... get sad, angry, ignore it. it's really not MY problem in the first place. but, whatever the decision.. it will affect me. and the way it seems it's going now, it's going to affect a lot of people in the end. If my parents do split.. which is the way it's looking... what do i do? It sounds so selfish.. and maybe it sounds like an easy question to answer.. but, it's not. I'm 19.. legally, an adult. (weird in itself). the courts can't force any sort of custody on me, i'm not they're 'property' and they aren't legally my 'caregivers' anymore. what will i do? Of course, with my mom it's easy and obvious. we're best friends. that's not what i'm completely worried about. I'm worried about tim. .. he's my stepdad. whom, i've always had a strange relationship with. kind of love/hate. it's obvious he loves me and supports me... but, at the same time, it's not. we only talk on occasion. When i was living at home, that occasion came up MAYBE once a week. or if we were forced to talk. the other times, it was just, living under the same roof together, really. I love him, he raised me, and he accepted the father position in my life that my own real father couldn't handle, i guess. and I will always be thankful to him for giving me that... but, we've never been that close. I've never had an actual conversation with him on the phone while i've been away at school, we only talk on the phone if i call mom and he's sitting there. so, if they do divorce... will i talk to him? will he make an effort to talk to me? will i see him? would he come to my college graduation? would he still want to be in my life? if yes, awesome. if not, i don't know. i wouldn't be suprised i guess. i just hate wondering about it. i hate not knowing how to handle that situation.

and my mom. i can't take care of her 6 hours away. i can't be there for her like i need to be. i feel so guilty that she'll be living on her own. i know, she's an f'n adult, and she can handle things, buti feel like i have some sort of responsibility to her, we're not just mother/daughter.. we're best friends. at least, that's how i see it. i never know what to say when she's telling me about her situation. she told me she was moving out, until her company switched owners and she didn't know what was going to happen. now, she's going to be there until the end of the year. but is she really happy? i can't tell, and i don't know how to ask.
i just wish i knew. you know? but, it's their thing, their decision, and i just hope that they're both happy in the end and that it all works out.
::sigh::
yea. there are so many other things right now too.. but, no time.
bye bye! have a good wednesday!
<3 steph
10-09-05 08:37
I have time to post this:

GO CARDS! SERIES SWEEP!!! WHO'S STILL PLAYIN' AND WHO'S NOT?! HECK YES THE CARDS ARE GONNA WIN THE WORLD SERIES!
10-04-05 20:23
wow, it has been sooo long, and i really want to post, but i really don't have time... perhaps, in a couple weeks i will. for now, all i have to say is:

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(separate emotion)
YAY!!!!!
(separate emotion)
o shit.
09-16-05 23:40
eric e-mailed me.
and called me.
from egypt.

::sigh::
soo confusing and difficult.

hmph

how did i not meet guys like i'm meeting now back then. guys that treat me like a human being, that know how to treat girls, and care about it. i'm very thankful I have, it's helped me be okay with not having a friendship with ben. but where were they? I wish I would have known sooner that not all guys are so.. i can't even describe it.

hmph.

i can't believe he called me. from egypt.

and michael - such the sweetheart, I love talking to him.. and hanging out with him, when i did. :-(


craziness.
Just think about it 09-13-05 15:01
Please turn up your volume... Just open your heart to these images, and take a second to pray, or whatever, for these people, and ALL of America!




























THiS MAN iS DEAD


THiS WOMAN iS DEAD






09-07-05 07:17
hey, i'm sitting here in class.. cuz i'm not gonna have time to do it later. crazy busy day -
class til 11:50
work 12-5
lionettes practice 6-9

yea. crazy, BUT! I finished all my homework for tomorrow yesterday! yay! :-D

so, life is going pretty well, just to update, hopefully i can after practice - if we don't go out tonight. if not, i'll post tomorrow!

love you all!!
<3 Steph
08-31-05 23:43
singledom is the best thing in the world! haha, especially when you're pimpin' all over the U.S. like me. haha. niice.
Eric leaves on friday.. for egypt (then i can say pimpin' all over the world!) and i'm a little sad and scared. :-( I've started talking to him more lately, and i've begun to fall again, he's just so perfect. ::sigh::
i still talk to micheal in omaha. we don't talk as much (we're both busy) and i can tell he's a little bummed about it, as am i. but i think i was more prepared for it to happen than he was.
i've met soooo many people these 1st 2 weeks, it's been amazing! shawn, dallas, bob, jake, brandon, tommy, tony... hehe, it keeps going. but they're all just nice guy friends to hang out with. and soo many awesome girls in this dorm and on the team!! yay!!!
i should go to sleep now, hopefully more details soon, when i find a substantial amount of time (should be around christmas break time!)

<3 Steph
08-22-05 22:54
hi guys. wow, tired. I had first day of sophomore year today. woot woot.. and the race begins!
I have 8 am on MWF - but it's nice because i'm done by 12.. which leaves a nice break to work or relax before Lionettes practice! T/R I don't have class until 11! yay! i'm stayin' up tonight. haha. no, i won't - I think i'll get up and work out tomorrow.
oh man, the selection of men is AMAZING. ::sigh:: This is insane - i'm not used to this. yippy. I don't know what to do about michael - we're still talking everyday, but i know that if I started talking to someone - he'd probably get a little jealous - not mad jealous, just jealous - and i don't wanna make him sad or anything.

btw, I love Lindenwood. yes, i LOVE it. It's so awesome. it's getting better everyday - these people are awesome! :-D yay!!

i've been sooooooooo busy and today was only my first day - i just need to get back into the swing of things. o man, RA + Lionettes + Alpha Phi Omega + social life + 18 credit hours.. insaneness!

okie dokie, i'm so sorry to everyone I haven't talked to, really i am, i think about you everyday.. tomorrow i might have some relax time. ::sigh::
<3 you ALL!!!
<3 Steph
08-18-05 21:59
wow.
so, i'm back at school now, finally mostly settled in. Lindenwood is AMAZING! omg, everything we 'complained' about last year has happened and it's amazing. the only thing that is still worth complaining about is unisex-ness.. but, that's a given. So, we have e-mail addresses.. and we're all on a network! YAY! facebook here i come.. once it re-approves us. i don't know, that's just one example, but i'm super excited about everything. it's all looking up.
thinking about where i was last year at this time, and where i am now - it's a dramatic difference, and i'm MUCH HAPPIER now, it's nice.
my room is awesome, btw, yes, awesome it is. everyone should be jealous. lol. sorry to all my friends that i haven't been able to get back to - we've been working day and night trying to get this dorm ready and going to meetings and stuff - plus trying to get myself moved in and settled in. i'm sooo sorry, i love you guys - please, believe me!

okay, more later, almost bedtime i'm so worn out!
yep.. leavin'.. this morning... for STL. I'm soo excited, but it's always a little bittersweet leaving friends and family behind. and that special person. yea, I don't know when I'll be able to get my comp and internet hooked up down there - because it has to go through approval, but, it will be up ASAP, because i'm addicted to elowel and internet. All this week I have RA training and Lionettes practices for freshman orientation - weird that i'm a sophomore still. yea.. yea.

well... I spent the night with the family (mom, dad, tutu, nickie, jacob and my niece Kylah) and that was so good. Then I spent the rest of the night til now with michael. He gave me his big stuffed bear to keep down there... :-( :-) it's so sweet. I'm just scared he's gonna miss it and be sad that he doesn't have it here with him - but i'll take great care of Oaf. :-)

Alright, mom's gonna kill me when she sees what time I came home.. lol.. but it's me that has to drive, so it's okay. red bull and loud music does wonders!
Good bye Omaha.. good bye friends.. I don't know when I'll see you next, but I will definintely talk to you soon. I love you all!
xoxo
<3 Stephani
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