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i stole this from a friends journal from a while ago.. but when i read it, it said everything i'm thinking.

"I think that there are some times in your life when everything lines up and everything makes sense...things simply are the way that they are. You have no questions and you spend no time wondering; you simply spend your time enjoying the state of content that your life is in.

There are other times in life that nothing makes sense. Every single thing in your life seems screwed up, no matter what it is...there is some kind of problem. Some of the problems may be great and some may be small, some are self-inflicted and others are simply someone else's fault. Times like this, you seem to blame other people...and rightfully so sometimes...but not all of the time. Other times you blame the world but most of the time, if you're like me, you simply blame yourself.

I just want things to begin to make sense. I want to know where I stand, to know how things are going to work out, to know what the hell is going on. It is my life isn't it? I mean what the f? Shouldn't I know what is happening or going to happen with it? I know that I am 19 and I'm not going to know everything, but a little direction and a couple answers would be nice.

I have come to the conclusion over the past 3 years of my life that the state of limbo is the worst possible state for your life to be in. This being the in-between stage, the stage of wonder and questioning. I have come to this conclusion because, no matter what the problem is, and how absolutely awful the solution to that problem might be, nothing is worse than simply not knowing. It causes more heartache than the solution could ever dream of causing. There is the back and forth wondering...and all it does is hurt. I think that it really makes you think about whats really worth it in life and makes you think about the things that really matter to you. I am not really sure that I am making any sense at all, but I know what I am talking about and I simply had to get it out."

i am happy right now, but, deep inside.. i want answers. specifically to one thing. i think about it, and i just get so frustrated with emotion i don't know what to do... get sad, angry, ignore it. it's really not MY problem in the first place. but, whatever the decision.. it will affect me. and the way it seems it's going now, it's going to affect a lot of people in the end. If my parents do split.. which is the way it's looking... what do i do? It sounds so selfish.. and maybe it sounds like an easy question to answer.. but, it's not. I'm 19.. legally, an adult. (weird in itself). the courts can't force any sort of custody on me, i'm not they're 'property' and they aren't legally my 'caregivers' anymore. what will i do? Of course, with my mom it's easy and obvious. we're best friends. that's not what i'm completely worried about. I'm worried about tim. .. he's my stepdad. whom, i've always had a strange relationship with. kind of love/hate. it's obvious he loves me and supports me... but, at the same time, it's not. we only talk on occasion. When i was living at home, that occasion came up MAYBE once a week. or if we were forced to talk. the other times, it was just, living under the same roof together, really. I love him, he raised me, and he accepted the father position in my life that my own real father couldn't handle, i guess. and I will always be thankful to him for giving me that... but, we've never been that close. I've never had an actual conversation with him on the phone while i've been away at school, we only talk on the phone if i call mom and he's sitting there. so, if they do divorce... will i talk to him? will he make an effort to talk to me? will i see him? would he come to my college graduation? would he still want to be in my life? if yes, awesome. if not, i don't know. i wouldn't be suprised i guess. i just hate wondering about it. i hate not knowing how to handle that situation.

and my mom. i can't take care of her 6 hours away. i can't be there for her like i need to be. i feel so guilty that she'll be living on her own. i know, she's an f'n adult, and she can handle things, buti feel like i have some sort of responsibility to her, we're not just mother/daughter.. we're best friends. at least, that's how i see it. i never know what to say when she's telling me about her situation. she told me she was moving out, until her company switched owners and she didn't know what was going to happen. now, she's going to be there until the end of the year. but is she really happy? i can't tell, and i don't know how to ask.
i just wish i knew. you know? but, it's their thing, their decision, and i just hope that they're both happy in the end and that it all works out.
yea. there are so many other things right now too.. but, no time.
bye bye! have a good wednesday!
<3 steph

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